Brewer and Brewer -<li>Just For Fun

"A young man in love schemes more than 100 lawyers." Old Spanish Proverb

Advice from George Carlin.....
provided by Judge David Byrd

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things..
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor..
3. Atheism is a nonprophet organization..
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live..
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose..
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are..

Prison vs. Work

In Prison...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At Work...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In Prison...you get three meals a day.
At Work...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In Prison...you get time off for good behavior.
At Work...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In Prison...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At Work...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In Prison...you can watch TV and play games.
At Work...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In Prison...you get your own toilet.
At Work...you have to share.

In Prison...they allow your family and friends to visit.
At Work...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In Prison...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At Work...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In Prison...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At Work...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

In Prison......there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At Work...they are called managers.

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

"The youngest son, the twenry-year old, how old is he?"

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

"Did he kill you?"

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death"
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard"
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work"

Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting On my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Points to Ponder
Send us your "Points to Ponder". If we use them we'll give you credit.

What is the speed of dark?
When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
What's another word for synonym?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don't have a row 13, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
What a nice night for an evening.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I live on a one-way dead-end street.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks-l'm not going that far."
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

When You Really Need A Lawyer, The Jokes Aren't Funny

Joe Murray
COX NEWS SERVICE

I stopped by to see a lawyer friend of mine. I knew he'd been sweating out a verdict in a case.

A plaintiff's lawyer, he almost always does all right by his clients. This time he was representing a lady in her late 50s who had worked all her life raising three children and putting them through college.

Half a dozen years ago, she'd been injured on the job. Since then, she'd been getting a run-around in court. There was always a postponement, never a trial.

But when my friend took on the case, he took the case to court. That's the kind of lawyer he is. He believes in the justice of the jury system.

He was on the phone when I stuck my head in his office. I told his secretary I'd wait outside until he was through.

A short time later he came striding through the door, a jumbo chaw of tobacco in his jaw and a big smile on his face. The verdict was in.

"We put the britches on 'em," he proclaimed.

There was a cash award. No, not the millions that make headlines in the big-city newspaper--just enough to make all the difference for his client for the rest of her life. And that wasn't all.

"The little lady now has her medical bills guaranteed for as long as she lives," he announced, proud as punch.

Such is the punchline.

Now, if this isn't the kind of lawyer story that makes you laugh till you cry, maybe you're not using your imagination.

Imagine, for instance, if it were your mother or grandmother.

Because I can guarantee you this much:

Sooner or later, you or someone you care about will need a lawyer. When that happens, forget the jokes. It's not a laughing matter.

If there were no lawyers, there would be no justice.